MUSINGS ON THE MODERN

My 4AM alarm chimes and as I saunter into the bathroom the incandescent light hits my eyes with a very forward unpleasantness. The large rectangular mirror above the sink displays my reflection clearly and inescapably. The stains on the glass from water, toothpaste, acne, and other substances create a mosaic of imperfection. An abhorrent portrait, my face the piece de resistance. The failed artist’s magnum opus. When I see my reflection in the mirror I see a ragged schizophrenic, a man belabored by the unseen burdens of the mind. Imprisoned by the intangible. I turn the light off quickly and operate in the darkness to avoid further reckoning with what the mirror tells me. 

But a recent development in my life has brought forth a personal reckoning that is undeniably unavoidable. The birth of my son. However, I find this reckoning to be much more pleasant than the 4AM broadcast of my haggard appearance by the bathroom mirror. Because when I gaze into my son’s eyes beyond their sapphire hue I once again see my reflection. Yet, the man returning my gaze is different from the man I see in the mirror. When I see my reflection in my boy’s eyes I see kindness, I see a man of quiet conviction and determination. I see every proper cliche that represents a life worth holding on to. Above all I see a man of purpose, a man who quite frankly did not exist prior to my son’s arrival. 

Part of me thinks that looking into the eyes of my child and seeing my own reflection is perhaps a gross exercise in narcissism. But is bringing a child into the world not inherently narcissistic to the highest degree? It is certainly something to be wrestled with but this much I do know for certain in my short time as a parent: if I cannot reckon with the man in the bathroom mirror then I am incapable of properly loving my child as a whole. The physical embodiment of myself and the woman that I love. I must see beyond the narcissism and insecurity of it all and hold on that which is tangible. A decent and quiet life centered within reality. Of harboring kindness and decentness within my family to be represented properly within our community.